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10 Years……. 11 Days

I’m afraid

My own sense of being, is now one of alone-ness

Frightened, because I’ve been complete,

so now an inherent shadow, broken and disparate.

Reminders of what once was…

A birthday,

One of many, but oh so memorable

Because you professed your love.

Now just a memory, that moment of words

hearing and believing…

Wanting, no NEEDING it to be true…

But, like empty gifts, the ‘Deputy’ that stands in for your disappearance…..

You’re felt, but clearly not FELT……..

 

Not to touch, but become a fading memory………….

And still… Even if I count the days,

I don’t know why…

And yet, I still love you.    Does that make me weak?

Steve B 03/16

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That’s it then?

Replacement found?

 

Our time, now forgotten?

My love, my mission, your wish my command……

 

How deep is the Irony, that what was spoken?

Words uttered, perhaps of the moment?

Love, desire, meaning, sacrifice, want, hope, togetherness……….

 

Lost because the road wasn’t smooth enough,

that communication wasn’t what you needed it to be…….

Ha, ha, ha, I laugh…. And I weep.

 

You speak of values, yet showed me you are happy to betray your own,

in the moment, when it suits yourself.

Ready with an excuse, a way out, a back door…..

Not suggesting fault at my door, but implying my own self lacks that certain something.

 

Then you cite distance, oh another Irony…

‘We’ being too far apart, separated by a distance that, in reality, was nothing.

But now, you make a point about, with this new ‘love’, as I am not good enough….

That being apart pains you, and you WANT to take the time to get closer..

 

If only my love for you, and you know I did love you, would elicit such a response.

 

Now I merely welcome the abyss.

I’ve loved, and I’ve not been loved……. So, I’ll live out my days, alone.

 

Here’s a little bit of truth.

If you left this world before me, I would fight to carry your coffin, and would stand before a crowd to express my love and admiration….

But, if I died tomorrow… Would you even care?

Or would I just be someone else who fulfilled a purpose when you spread your arms and cried out in some moment of need?

Steve B 07/15

 

Love is….

Compromise….

 

We’re intelligent enough to know that no one, and nothing, is perfect.

Understanding, in an instant, perceptions can change,

whereby the illusion is shattered, and somehow things can never be as they were.

 

But why deal in illusion?

 

What does someone suppose love is?

For me, it’s a deeper sense of purpose, to have someone special

who isn’t perfect, but worth compromising over.

Fighting for, being there for, bettering oneself for…..

 

It’s a two-way street though, and however much you want to stand up and fight,

if you’re punching the air, you won’t hit anything.

 

I’ve got plenty of fight left in me, and an infinite capacity to compromise.

Steve B 11/14

 

 

Telepathy?

Words,

spoken, written, heard, read…….

It doesn’t matter,

what matters is what is meant,

what flows from understanding,

how things move forward.

We spend time formulating how,

but we don’t seem to define the meaning,

or care if they’re understood.

All that matters is how well you feel,

how you rationalise that meaning to yourself.

Semantic bullshit to warm yourself at night,

whilst the rest of us just dwell on what we’ll never understand.

Not because we don’t try, or because we aren’t willing…..

 

But because the meaning only makes sense to the person speaking, or writing.

And if it makes sense to them, does it matter if it never makes sense to anyone else?

 

Steve B 08/14

Ears that never listened,

eyes that never spied.

Intermittent body response,

A mind that chose to hide.

 

The soul that couldn’t open,

heart that wouldn’t want.

Words which now unspoken,

for there exists a font.

 

Caresses lost in Autumn,

Summer touches lost.

Spring begats beginning,

Winter turned to frost.

 

To wait and perhaps wonder,

leaning back to cry.

Hope for simply something,

To try or just to cry.

 

Alone we sit together,

apart yet somehow one.

I mourn my loss of you,

has your life now begun?

 

Steve B 07/14

She’s a Superstar

Here she comes,
Seven suns.
A burning flame.
She got my love,
Got my head.
But it’s all the same.
She climbed so high…….
I don’t know why.
High, all on her own.
And I know,
She’s in the air,
And I don’t want it to go.
I can feel her love,
But I don’t want it to go
She got my woe,
Got my hand,
Took the dreams Right out of my head
She bought the world,
I paid the bills,
I took those pills,
It was wind in her sails.
She climbed so high.
I don’t know why
High, all on her own
And I know,
She’s in the air,
And I don’t want it to go.
I can feel her love,
But I don’t want it to go.
Song by Verve, 1992

Life provides an emotional shield……..

We grow up into a shallow and narcissistic world, where the beautiful have so much more than what their soul deserves.

For the rest of us ‘little people’, we scratch and claw in the dirt that has settled on the wooden beams of where we are.

Not really knowing the feminine form beyond the teat of our mother’s breast, her voice and her insistence of what her gender really has to offer……. To only offer us lonely, open-handed fools………

Let me make it clear, here and now………..

I can walk away from a partner who isn’t who I would choose to be with……

With a little more effort, I can walk away from the best lover I’ve ever been intimate, and close to emotionally…… If there was a defined conflict of personality and that sense of where ‘we’ could be……….   In time……….

But, what I…….. Personally, can’t let go of……… Even if ‘we’ can’t be in a partnership…. If ‘WE’ really can’t be lovers………….

What I find is impossible to let go of…. Is being FRIENDS……

Someone to chat to, to discuss the inane and ‘everyday’……

If you can’t love me, i understand………

I could love you in an instant, but I can just live with your time, thoughts and passions……..

You will find a ‘someone’ who can tick all the boxes…… And that, your happiness……Will make me a very happy man…….

My love was for you, but it was unrequited…….

So, I wonder if you would, or ever could, choose to chat and just offer your thoughts…………

Choose to open a dialogue, and communicate……. Oh, how I miss just chatting with you.

……………………………

Steve B 02/14

Becoming Calcified

That feeling has returned,

a physically ill sensation, manifesting right at my very centre.

Another day to forget, as a ray of hope

is extinguished. Leaving only despair, uncertainty and loneliness.

How is it that what once came easily has become so elusive?

I fear for myself, but only because there will come a point where

everything becomes beyond my means, or ability.

These tears will flow for the moment,

until such time as the dark reality becomes my reality.

I’ll try not to get my hopes up.

Steve B 01/14

Across a Million Miles

No one lived, who saw the sword.

For the briefest moment, they realised, and understood.

Before being gone.

And such is the heart. We belive that there is something that can be explained.

Yet, when we truly realise……. It’s over, gone…….. Just something we try to put into words.

 

Severed from what we know, becoming a transient exposition of a million, million thoughts.

Gone,  and never to be recovered, we try………. Oh, how we try to move on.

Forgetting that beautiful face, those encompassing curves, that intellectual mind,

we want to forget that special something, that made us feel like we were a small part of something

that might echo beyond this, that, trivial essences which bind us to the material world.

 

But no…….. We all could die right now, here, alone……. No one would care,

and yet in their glancing memory we could still exist.

Made real again in that briefest moment, then forgotten…. Like so much flotsam pressing against the

corners of their mind. A mind, like our own, we thought a dual existence might shape..

Yet, against the passage of time, we become just another trivial choice.

 

Perhaps just that instance when you didn’t look both ways?

 

I’m glad you crossed the road alone…… But I’m sad that I now only get to glance at you

between those passing cars……. And you look so happy without me.

 

Steve B 01/14

Blinded Choices

He handed his invitation over to a somewhat demeaning courtier,

paid probably somewhat less them he was, to stand there and recognise the card, the signature,

and the inherent respect it should have brought.

It was from an old acquaintence, a friend who… Way back when, had shared a real affinity,

respect, sensibility….. And above all, to him, understanding.

They were worlds apart, joined by a mutual intellectual affinity, two people who saw the world

in a way that others never could, or… Through description, could never understand.

Lovers, partners.. For a short while. Their time together, as ‘one’ was fleeting.

But for him, it meant more than it did for her.

So now, somewhat out of nowhere, she extended this invite, to something that mattered to her.

Would it matter to him? Time would tell, the moment would enlighten, retrospect would offer thought.

 

There was no expense spared, as he expected. She was so much more upper-middle class than he.

For him, it was never about financial considerations, never about what others might think…..

Never about that notion of aspiration. Suggesting a means, which a poor Civil Servant and a classroom assistant,

would ever knowingly portray.

The room was opulent, an array of space. Yet every inch of the floor was covered by pairs of expensive shoes,

something he noted, subconsiously, making his own budget ‘cheap leather upper, and hard plastic’ soled footwear

a little contrived. Casual observers might appreciate their mocking lines, but every footstep offered a resonant clunk

brought about by their cheap, lower level.

He perused the people, the crowd…… Hoping that there might be something recognisable. Perhaps a notion of the

hostess in the decor, or the ambience. But who he knew, was nowhere to be seen.

And he felt alone.

A chair, against the wall, beckoned. A waiter with a tray forced a glass of something alcoholic and sweet into his hand.

He accepted, swallowing one glass in a single swoop, before taking two more, one in each hand, before sitting down.

Observation, not self-referential, not judgemental, nor embittered.

A warm sea of smiling faces, happy background chatter, and an ambience of expectation

No one came over to offer a greeting to him, this invisible non-entity curled up on the fringes.

Then she appeared. Covered in a glowing spotlight. Refulgent, confident, magnificent.

In that moment, as she stood so close, but so distant….. Every memory of her crashed into his consciousness,

almost overwhelming.

A true beauty, the like he felt that in his waning years he might try to put into words…..

But, in truth, a radiance of mind, soul and body that he couldn’t express in a dozen lifetimes…..

As she wandered, under the bright glow, a glow that could never outshine her own, she looked over.

She saw him, and offered a slight.. Almost imperceptible nod.

She was, and always was, of another world.

A world he saw, briefly, in those few moments they spent as equals,

one he wanted to be a part of, even if at the time he simply didn’t see it.

One she wanted to get back to, after lowering herself for that moment of weakness,

a moment she felt unsure of who she was.

As she turned her gaze from him, it was apparent he was there only to experience what could have been,

if he’d been someone else…… Someone like him, but from a different, ‘better’ background.

When the lights faded, he went and collected his coat from the cloakroom, sombred….

Not feeling like less of a man, just feeling like the man he was wasn’t anywhere near good enough.

Steve B 12/13